It’s been a year since I split up with my best friend.
I say split up because that is what it feels like.
It was over a misunderstanding. She misunderstood how hard I was finding things and told me something that I should have been happy about.
I was happy for her but I felt she could have been more sensitive to my feelings and told me when I was at home. Not sat at my desk at work.
The ins and outs don’t matter any more. The year does.
So much has happened.
I got pregnant and couldn’t ring her to tell her.
I had a caesarean and couldn’t ask my best friend what I should expect.
She is Boo’s godmother but has missed so many milestones.
We knew each other for almost 20 years but those years are nothing to the one that has just passed.
Every time I think of her and what happened and what has happened since, my eyes fill with tears.
I honestly thought she would contact me eventually, but she hasn’t.
I can’t contact her because I can’t cope if the outcome is worse. Worse than not speaking to your best friend for a year.
I said to my mum, I think I will be sad about this forever. She agreed.
My mum did however wonder whether she could be as upset about it as I am.
I think the year of silence says it all really.
It’s so easy for people to say it’s her loss and while the sensible part of me agrees, the sad part makes me feel it is my loss.
My year, my first year. Without my best friend.