Caesarean Birth Story Part Two

April is Caesarean awareness month and it has really helped me talking to other women who have gone through what I have, to know that I am not alone and that most of my feelings are normal.

I wrote Beb’s birth story back in February (you can read it here) and I promised part two but I just haven’t felt up to writing it. It is still very raw and I still, even 12 weeks on, cry when I think about it.

However, for the purposes of Caesarean awareness month, I have decided to write it.

The night, as I had him, I stayed on labour ward which, in hindsight was a good thing. I was in my own room and the midwives there are much nicer than the ward. I even saw one who was lovely to me when I had had Boo and she remembered me and we had a nice chat.image

The only pic I have after the birth of me and Beb in hospital because my face was so swollen from crying the rest of the time 

When Hubster came back to visit me that night, even the consultant came in to see us because the drip in my arm was still there and I was begging for it to be removed because it hurt that much.

He promised it would be taken out in the morning.

After an uncomfortable night-ironically from the drip, not the section, we were wheeled around to the ward at 8am and they told me to get up and go and shower.

I imagined someone would help me but they didn’t. Fair enough, they were busy but it took me a good 30 minutes to shuffle my bum to the edge of the bed on my side, and slowly, slowly, ease myself up.

I got up with Bambi legs and managed to shuffle, hunched over to the bathroom.

My parents brought Boo in again to see her brother and Hubster flitted back and forth all day between the farm and us.

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Opposite us in the ward were a couple and the wife didn’t speak English. Her husband was allowed to stay indefinitely because of this and, at one point was asleep in her bed as she sat in the hospital chair. How bad is that?

I felt totally exposed because they had their curtains closed all the time but the midwives kept opening mine and, because it took 45 minutes for me to get up to close them, unless my family came, it made feeding Beb quite hard.

I expected to be going home the next day but, at 5am when the staff came round to check observations, they found me to have low oxygen levels.

The reason was we had all had a viral cough since Christmas but, coupled with having been lay down for over 24 hours and the fact I couldn’t cough properly because of the incision, they were worried.

I was whisked off for a chest x-ray at 5.30am. They were concerned I had a blood clot which can happen after a caesarean. I knew it was because of the cough but they had to be sure.

They had me sit there all day wearing an oxygen mask and took blood from an artery which was not only the most painful thing ever but made blood spurt all over the bed, which was never changed.

When poor Boo came she saw her mummy in a pool of blood with a mask over her face. I can only imagine what she though.

At this point I was still hopeful to go home but they arranged for a scan which didn’t happen until 8pm that night.

It was a CT scan which shocked me. They had said scan so I presumed it would be ultrasound. How wrong I was.

I was lowered down onto the scan machine (easier said than done when you had a section 24 hours earlier) and I had iodine injected into my veins.

It was at this point they told me I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed for 24 hours so tears were running down my face as I went into the CT scanner. If they had told me before, I could have expressed all day. Another fail.

Despite the lovely scan lady saying she was going home after me and the results of the scan would be at the ward by 8.30pm, the ward staff had other ideas. Hubster waited around until 10pm to take me home but was asked to go home with the other dads (apart from the one opposite) so I cried again at the prospect of another night away from Boo in the 100 degree heat of the ward.

At 5am the next morning, a doctor came to tell me the scan had been clear and I could go home that day.

There were eight other women in my bay and the midwife who, I swear took a dislike to me, discharged every one of them before coming to me.

By the sixth woman, I lost it and cried screamed at the midwife who hurriedly discharged me-if for no other purpose than to get rid of me.

I honestly think I cried for 95 per cent of my four day stay in hospital and not one of the midwives on the ward asked why I was crying or showed me any compassion.

To be honest, I’m still not sure why I was so upset and even reading this back, my words do not do justice to the horrible time I had.

Even writing this I have shed tears, thinking back to it. It was a lonely, isolating experience. Nothing like the euphoria I felt after Boo’s birth.

The caesarean made me feel guilty and like a bad mother and, added to that, my 24 hour breastfeeding ban, I was at an all time low. Coupled with this, I was thinking about the horrible time we had actually getting to the point of having another baby.

The weight of it all sat heavily.

Added to it, Beb’s blood sugars dropped so I had to feed him formula. I felt like I had no other choice and then, after the ease of getting milk from a teat, there was no way my hungry little boy was going to go back to the breast where he had to work hard for his dinner.

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I was unbelievably gutted.

I didn’t have any expectations with Boo but second time round, I did. I think this added to my anxiety. I think expectations are the downfall of mothers.

Despite society at large believing caesareans are the easy option and that women who have them are too posh to push, I would like to slap the people who make those assumptions in the face with a muslin cloth.

Natural birth is a walk in the park compared to having a major operation, being more tired than you’ve ever been in your life and having to look after a baby.

I am 12 weeks post-section now and, while ‘officially’ I should be more or less back to normal now, honestly? I feel anything but.

The fatigue seems never ending. It’s not the night feeds. I can cope with them and Beb is much better at sleeping (touch wood) than Boo ever was. I know it is from the caesarean.

I know some women have wonderful experiences of caesarean section. I do wonder though whether Boo’s lovely birth spoiled me. Had she been born by caesarean, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so bad.

Thankfully, most of the bad memories will fade. My beautiful boy makes me happy every day and the joy of seeing his big sister interact with him is lovely.

Birth is something you never forget. I just hope, in time, it is the good bits I remember rather than the bad.

29 Comments

  1. Oh gosh that sounds so traumatic, I hope you’re ok and you’re able to the hospital counselling team about it. It may help to get it out to them as I know from my first section that these things have a habit of creeping up on you later xx I hope the fatigue does ease and you’re feeling back to your happy self soon x

  2. Throw all those feeding woes out the window lovely, you have a happy healthy bubs & you being happy too is what matters.

    Your hospital experience sounds far better than mine (having trouble writing the story, birth itself great, hospital not!) we got moved to the ward with a bed for the night at 2am just after we’d got to sleep! He was born at 14:39, wish they’d just left us on labour ward, would have been easier. Xx

  3. Oh Emma, I’m sorry you went through all of this, and that you still aren’t feeling yourself. Have you thought about going to the doctor? It sounds like you might be anaemic. Please don’t beat yourself up, both Boo and Beb are very lucky to have such a lovely mummy. Hope you’re feeling brighter soon xx

  4. Emma I started reading this but I still cannot read birth stories due to the traumatic caesarean birth of my boy (14 years ago) I think if we’re all safe and well at the end then it’s been good. x

  5. Sounds like you had a really traumatic time.
    I felt similar after my section. I’d previously had 2 natural births and hated the very idea of having a c-section. I felt like I’d failed my twins and it made me feel a bad mum too. I’ve no idea why though as I know it was the safest way for them to be born.
    Does your hospital have an after birth thoughts service? Might be worth chatting things through with them x

  6. Oh goodness me, what an experience. I’m so sorry that you went through all this and with such lack of compassion from the staff. Horrible. I’m very sure that in time, you will just remember the good bits and the bad bits will become a blur. Just think what you now have at the end of it 🙂 xxx

  7. Oh, I got teary reading this! I had two c-sections and with my first my daughter’s blood sugar was low too. They had to test and re-test her by poking her little foot and over and over, I had to feed her from an eye dropper (but only every so many hours) and just felt so guilty. I just wanted to say that until reading this I had forgotten most of the hard stuff. I hope this memory fades for you too. Lots of hugs, you went through so much for your little guy be very proud of yourself! And I’ve got your back on any stupid ‘too posh to push comments!’ They are stupid and demeaning on lots of levels.

  8. I almost had tears reading this, I feel so sorry for your horrible experience. I had an emergency section and also had an upsetting time after birth, but my baby and I are great and I feel stronger from it. I did have the fortune of lovely hospital staff, which makes all the difference. I did find the whole birth and hospital stay very overwhelming, but as time goes on I hope you can look back on the positive things that emerged x

  9. What an awful experience. I had 2 emergency sections 6years apart (one more traumatic than the other) I really wasn’t expecting the length of time it took to recover. At one point after my now 10 month old it hurt to breathe, every time I took a deep breathe I would be in tears.
    I’m so sorry you had the experience of hospital. I hope that you are now enjoying your time with your beautiful baby xx

  10. Oh, you poor thing! I was so happy when I got to the last bit to read that your beautiful baby boy makes you so happy, and that you want to remember the good parts about the birth. I’m so sorry you had an awful experience when it should be a happy, memorable event. I send you best wishes for a full (and hopefully speedy from now) recovery, positive thoughts and hope that you can treasure all the wonderful memories xx
    #MaternityMondays

  11. Oh my darling you poor poor thing. Well done for being brave enough to write it, it sounds like a horrible experience that could have been made so much better with better communication and some compassion! I can’t believe that other lady’s husband was allowed to stay just because she couldn’t speak english… but actually I think it’s dreadful that dads aren’t allowed to stay 24 hrs when a mum has had a c section as it is so so hard those first days and nights and after my first c section I too spent most of the time in tears and received little to no compassion. The 2nd was better, probably because I knew what to expect – I totally agree with you that expectations are the downfall of mothers! Huge hugs lovely and well done for sharing your story xx #MaternityMondays

  12. Sorry you had such a horrible experience. I’ve had two C-sections and for me the worst part is staying in hospital afterwards – I just wanted to go home right away #maternitymonday

  13. Oh Emma, I’m so sorry you feel this way 🙁 I am absolutely petrified about going in for a c-section, it’ll be my first and the episiotomy I had last time was bad enough. I can’t imagine a midwife lacking compassion but unfortunately some of them do. As long both you and the baby are healthy, that’s all that really matters. I’m hoping that it won’t have any lasting effects on you, but it’s posts like this that make people realise that c-sections should not be taken lightly, and that everyone has different experiences in hospital. I hope you feel better about everything soon xxx

    1. Oh I’m so sorry you shouldn’t have read this. The section wasn’t the worst bit I promise. You will be fine xx

  14. I am so sorry you went through this, what a horrible experience! I would neve say a section is the easy route – how can a major operation be easy?! I hope the fatigue goes away soon xx

  15. I’m so sorry you had such an awful experience. I think you must have just been a little heart broken things went a bit wrong and that’s why you cried so much. The hospital just sounded awful and to leave you so upset is terrible. I hope in time the tiredness will pass and you can move on from it. Time is a good healer and like you said looking at your beautiful boy makes it a bit easier xx #maternitymondays

  16. Oh Emma, I am so sorry you went through this – what a traumatic time for you and I feel so sad that no compassion was shown – yes it might have been busy but a little compassion would have made such a difference and being warned about the iodine affecting breastfeeding should have been done much earlier. I agree with previous comments that it might be worth getting your iron levels checked in case this is contributing to the fatigue. Well done for having the bravery to tell your story and I hope writing it down has helped too x

  17. What a horrible experience. The worst part is definitely the lack of compassion shown to you over a number of days. I think it’s terrible that you weren’t warned about not being able to breast feed after the scan and that they let you cry uncomforted. It’s just the opposite of the support you are told you will have after having a baby. No matter how you give birth, these things would trouble any mother. I can understand why you haven’t wanted to talk about this part and hope that now you have it will help you move on in some way. Sending hugs x

  18. I’m feeling for you so much reading this – I know it’s still early days so please be kind to yourself and give yourself a chance to heal emotionally as well as physically. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. Mim x #maternitymondays

  19. Oh Emma, what a time you had and I’m so sorry your experience was so negative. It can re all ruin those first heady days. And I do think it should be a one and all rule in the hospital, all Dads or no dads regardless of level of English spoken #maternitymonday xx

  20. Aaah sweetheart — I’m sorry you’ve had such a torrid time. I had my twins via c-section and my experience was poles apart from yours. It’s so unfair that you had to go through that — and it’s a shame that all hospitals aren’t offering the same kind of care that mine did. Hope you feel better soon xx #maternitymonday

    Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk

  21. I am really sorry you had a terrible time and that it continues to bother you and cloud the birth of your son. I hope that in time the memory will fade but saying that I had a very gung ho midwife at the birth of my second who didn’t listen to me and caused me more pain than was needed and 3 years on I still think about it. you would think people working in maternity care would have more compassion and care for those they look after but a lot of them don’t. #maternitymondays

  22. “… lonely and isolating experience” – o yes, it so can be. No one is your head to read your thoughts or feel your emotions. Birth is a very difficult and dangerous experience for many women. Thankfully, the memories fade with time; otherwise most women won’t have more than 1 child. Different birth options have their own challenges and they thankfully mostly end in so much love and joy. All the very best as you walk this road. #MaternityMondays

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