I found no support so that night, when I arrived home with this tiny baby who was my responsibility, I think I panicked.
The first time she cried that night, I couldn’t get her to latch on. I worried she would die of starvation and, thankfully, a neighbour had given me a tub of SMA just in case.
I think that was my first big mistake but, at the time, I couldn’t think of anything else to do.
The midwife was like an enigma. Boo latched on like a dream whilst she was there but, the minute and I mean the actual minute the door closed behind her, Boo took her mouth away and screamed for food.
So the next step was to express. I did this for two weeks. I was hooked up to that machine for a long time with just one ounce of milk coming out each hour. ONE OUNCE.
After two weeks of feeling like the worst mother who ever lived, I bought some Aptamil-purely because it said closest thing to breast milk on the tub and Boo never looked back.
I however did.
I can, even now, still feel the pangs of guilt now. Did I fail my child?
So, I am heavily pregnant now and looking ahead (as much as I will allow myself) to how I will feed this new baby.
I feel much more confident about breast feeding this time. I am going to have a real go.
Last time, the midwife said she thought Boo was too lazy and tired from the birth to suckle effectively so she recommended nipple shields.
So I have bought a pair of Medela nipple shields in preparation. Just incase.
Taking the just incase attitude and, probably to the horror of mothers who have been successful at feeding their babies themselves, I have also bought two bottles and a tub of formula in case I feel like there is no other way again.
This will be a last resort however and I am going to ring the midwives and find out about my local breastfeeding support groups should I struggle.
The point I am trying to keep at the front of my mind is that, I am going to try so hard to breastfeed. I hope it works out this time.
If it doesn’t though and I have to bottle feed, I will hold my head high in the knowledge that I tried and that whatever happens, I will do what I think is best for my child,